Sleeping and losing weight
I have come to a conclusion about many of the “discoveries” that researches come across today; they are utter bullshit.
Recently, researchers have ” presented a conundrum to new mothers, saying that women who want to lose the extra weight gained in pregnancy should try to get more sleep.” While they gave me there blah blah blah scientific garbage, which I’ll never test myself to find out if its right or wrong, I thought about the actual statement.
More sleep apparently means losing weight. If this was true, I would have six pack abs and wouldn’t have to go to that bullshit place they call a gym in the next town over.
I tried to use my wasted years of biology to ponder the veracity of this statement, but there was not much I could recall since the class was taught at 8 in the morning. Finally, after some common sense, I cracked this mystery.
If you sleep, you can’t eat more and thus can’t become fatter…check and mate. I decided to form a little experiment to back up my hypothesis. I stayed up the following night and gained 4 lbs before dawn the next day. Unfortunately there was another marathon of Friends on TBS since they have no other shit to run now. Needless to say, I was too distracted by the beautiful duet of Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox to hear the empty pringles and soda cans hit the floor one by one.
I tried to find a couple new discoveries and came up with these:
1) Turning up the TV volume can improve your marriage: He can’t hear what she bitching about and she can’t hear him ask her to bring her another beer.
2) Separate computers are better for larger families: You don’t want to see your kids looking at porn; and better yet, they don’t wanna see YOU looking at porn.
3) Sex will make you happier.
To some of you, this may be stating the obvious but apparently today that could win me a Nobel Prize. Al Gore just told people that it’s getting hotter…no shit sherlock, but he got the Nobel Prize. I just came up with 3 brain busters…where are my three prizes!
To all you pricks out there who say dumb shit like “sleeping will help you lose weight,” don’t waste my valuable time by cluttering up the homepage of my internet browser. I wish only one day that someone would discover the beneficial effects of watching porn and have a sample for us to test.
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