Crusty Orange

U.S. Physicists Shock the World

“You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure it out…” - a common phrased used to demoralize a fellow peer who, at the time, might display a sheer moment of, what I like to call, “idiomacy”. Well today, this phrase takes on a new meaning.

The ever so brilliant U.S. physicists concluded on Thursday that steroids can help increase performance, especially in regards to baseball’s home run scandals. “An extra 10 pounds of muscle, he said, could add just enough extra to a batter’s swing to send the ball out of the park, or at least into the stands.”

Thank you for enlightening me. Without your valiant effort, I would have never put two and two together to understand that someone taking steroids is going to be able to hit a ball farther, thus hitting more home runs.

This is why China and India will one day surpass the U.S. in their economics and scientific research. The physicists in those countries have understood that steroids leads to further muscle development…and I guess they went on some crazy limb…when they deduced that this would lead to more power at the plate…maybe this is why they don’t have baseball overseas either….




Now, I understand that President Bush was after a “no-child left behind” policy, but how far off did he think we were?! When in the hell did I need to be explained that steroids can increase performance in athletics! Should we not be spending our time and efforts on finding cures to cancer or trying to patch up that big hole in the ozone later that is letting in all those rays which will one day cause an epic flood?

Apparently, this brain-iac was not done in his report. “Tobin said it is possible that baseball players could gain the muscle mass by lifting weights.”…Wow. Please try to control yourself from calling up the neighbor and telling him that you hold the world’s next biggest secret to becoming Arnold Schwarzenegger (who might have been one of the few that found this article informative)

Has America come to be so stupid that we now have to re-prove “mathematically” what has been already known for ages? Did someone go around the world after Columbus proved it round to get the dimensions of the earth, just to make sure it was a circle and not a square in case that little bugger missed something?

Stop waisting our federal funding and grants just to say dumb stuff like “steroids increase performance in baseball.” If you have no new discoveries to tell us about, just say it. Otherwise you look like a dumb pig trying to pull a fast one over the country. I can only imagine though, that in certain states like Arkansas, this may work.

I only fear out next headline will be, “Water may help your plants grow. U.S. physicists were at it again, making monumental discoveries in which they found the height of the plant was proportional to if the water received water or not.”

Give me a break.